I wake up at 11:30am on a Saturday morning.  This isn’t a problem because I’m a gigantic loser and didn’t do anything exciting the night before. 

I hear my phone vibrating on my computer desk.  Someone has text messaged me.  I stop and wonder about people’s obsession with text messaging.  Why don’t you just call me?  Don’t you realize how fucking long it takes me to type out a message on this dumb phone?  It’s my partner and she wants me to wake up.  I angrily text her back.

I spend the next hour looking around on the internet.  Sometimes I wonder why I do this, because as I sit here now writing this I can’t even remember what I was looking at.  What a fucking waste of time.  I debate with myself over what type of clothes to wear.  While looking at my shirts I pause while looking at my Operation: Iraqi Freedom shirt.  I toss it aside realizing that irony is gay, especially wasted irony.

Eventually I leave.  I stop at Burger King along the way.  The fries suck, they should just stop making fries at fast food places, no one really likes them.  The burger kind of sucks too.  I wish I was asleep.

I make it to my partner’s house and find out only one other person is going.  We drink a couple of beers and talk about work.  I’m bored already.  We have a debate over who will drive to this place, I volunteer to drive so that I can force them to listen to music that will irritate them.  For some reason they all hate rap music, probably because they are all closet racists, I put on the G UNIT station on Sirius.

We finally arrive at our destination.  It’s at a fair ground.  I didn’t think my expectations could get any lower but they somehow have.  I pay 10 dollars for parking and we pull up next to a truck.  The driver of the truck is around 20 years old, shirtless, covered in lame tattoos and has a black eye.  Expectations are lowered once more.

Upon entering I hear the sounds of terrible music on the second stage.  No one I’m with knows who is playing.  I try to figure out how to get a beer at this place, if anything I’d like to get wasted and hopefully remember nothing.

I see a sign on a booth that says BEER TICKETS: 5 DOLLARS.  The line of people waiting for beer tickets is the longest line I’ve ever seen in my life.  Then my partner says we have to get a wristband first so that we can get beer tickets.  Anger.  I go over the absurdity of the situation in my head at least 17,000 times as we stand in half a dozen different lines.  I’m standing in a line to get a wrist band to prove I’m 21 so that I can stand in a line to buy beer tickets for 5 dollars apiece so that I can stand in another line to get shitty watered down tap beer.  My partner says the first round is on her and I relax.  She cuts in line.  My anger recedes.  She comes back with 4 tickets, gives one to me one to the other guy and keeps two for herself.  I realize that after I get this beer with my magical 5 dollar ticket I am going to have to get back in line for more tickets.  I’m angry again.  I get my beer and go immediately back into line.  I spend 40 dollars on beer tickets.

By the time the beer situation is figured out some band is playing on the main stage.  I find out it is a band called Alter Bridge.  I know who these guys are because I used to be obsessed with singing Creed songs in my car while driving.  For some reason I am endlessly amused by the guy from Creed’s dumb voice.  Anyways, Alter Bridge is Creed except with a different singer.  They sing about god or something, I’m not sure. 

We make our way towards the front of the crowd while Alter Bridge goes into their set.  Every song is a collection of boring and predictable thoughts about love set to a back drop of drop d guitar playing masturbation.  I’m much more interested in the crowd at this point. 

I can’t properly describe the vast feeling of indifference I see from the people gathered here.  Most people are standing there, like I am, doing absolutely nothing.  Some are bobbing their heads to the maudlin beat of a crappy rock ballad, a few throw their hands up in the air.  I make a remark to my partner about how everyone seems as bored as I am.  She gives me a dirty look and I momentarily feel bad.

I notice a guy without his shirt on in front of us with really crappy facial hair.  He is looking at me.  I’m disturbed by this.  He turns around and I see his back is covered in acne.  I wonder how a man can be so devoid of shame that he has no problem with people staring at his acne ridden hairy back. 

Some girl with a chelsea cut is walking in front of me.  She is wearing a lame metal t-shirt and a short plaid skirt.  Her pallid and unshapely legs are covered in bad tattoos.  She is probably the ugliest girl I’ve seen so far.  She walks up to Zit-Back and proceeds to make out with him.  I visibly cringe thinking about the two of them having sex. 

I check the score to the Cubs game on my cell-phone.  They are losing, apparently Big-Z decided to pitch like a shithead today.  My mood worsens.

At one point the singer from Alter Bridge says the next song is called “Blackbird”, at first I don’t notice until he starts to play the Beatles version.  I wonder if Alter Bridge really has the audacity to cover a Beatles song.  After the initial guitar work they go into a different song, apparently of the same name.  I think I’m the only person who even noticed the musical massacre that nearly took place.

By the time Alter Bridge finishes I’m wasted, sweaty, and mentally exhausted.  I’ve seen more bad tattoos and back fat than any fully enlightened man should see in one day.  Another no name band goes on the second stage.  I take this opportunity to lie on the ground and nap for a bit.

I wake up and wander around for a bit before bumping into another girl we work with.  She’s from another station and I don’t really know her.  I find the conversation with her refreshing, but only because she isn’t already tired of my bullshit.  She is with a large number of other girls who are overweight and horny.  The next band coming on is Filter and although I’m not particularly fond of them either, I use it as an excuse to leave.

I actually like one song by Filter, "Welcome to the Fold", and they open their set by playing it.  I highly recommend listening to it at least for the lyrical content, it's pretty funny.  I’m almost enjoying myself for a minute before they stop playing because someone is fighting in their mosh pit.  When I say mosh pit, what I really mean is Zit-Back and four or five of his shirtless friends jumping around like idiots.  When I say fight what I really mean is some guys pushing each other.  A security guard escorts one guy away.  The guy from Filter goes on the typical rant about how we shouldn’t fight at rock shows.  I yell at him to shut up.  No one hears me.  I notice the one female security guard has gigantic tits and I’m oddly attracted to her despite her totally broken face.  We exchange looks a couple of times but I’m turned off when I see her mouthing the words to a Filter song.  I decide to wander around the fairgrounds hoping something interesting happens.

Nothing does.  I find myself talking to the fat-girl posse again.  Some dark clouds move in from the west.  It looks like it might rain or storm.  I pray for a tornado to tear through these fairgrounds.  It never even rains. 

Filter finishes their set and another no name band goes on the second stage.  I meet back up with the people I’m with and we talk about boring stuff like work.  I check the score of the Cubs game.  They got their asses kicked by the Cardinals. 

The next band to go on the main stage is P.O.D. who are a bunch of fat wiggers from California.  I find it ironic that most everyone here probably hates rap music but loves insufferable borderline rap-metal.  The singer is wearing a bapes hat.  I quickly grow bored and decide to wander around again.

Once again I’m talking to fat girl posse.  I ran out of beer tickets a while ago so I resort to drinking other people’s beers.  I see some redneck with no front teeth trying to get his kid to drink some Bacardi raspberry twist stuff.  The kid has to be less than 10 years old.  Who would bring their kid to a shitty alternative rock festival?  I guess the same guy would tries to get his kid to drink some faggy girl drink.

P.O.D finishes and I meet back up with my partner.  I ask her if we can leave yet.  She says we can’t because Shinedown is coming on next.  I have no idea who Shinedown is.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song by them before in my life.  I notice a majority of people here are wearing Shinedown shirts and also seem to be excited about this band, I wonder if this band might actually be good.

It’s dark by the time Shinedown decides to take stage.  From their entrance you’d swear you were seeing a Kiss reunion show or something.  Smoke and lights and jumping around.  The singer is covered head to toe in leather despite it being 80 degrees out.  The crowd actually seems excited.  It almost makes me excited.  They start playing and my excitement bottoms out.  Everyone else seems happy and knows all the words to all the songs, but I haven’t ever heard any of them.  People start to crowd surf and I begin to ponder why anyone would do that.

I lose my partner in the crowd.  It’s getting kind of cold but I feel oddly comforted surrounded by the disgusting body heat of a thousand complete tools.  I see my partner crowd surfing.  I make a face like I just bit into a lemon.  Some guy grabs her tit and hi-fives his buddies laughing about it and it makes me mad.  While shoving my way through the crowd to get at him I wonder why it makes me so mad.  I’m drunk so it’s kind of confusing.  I find the guy tap him on the shoulder and call him a scumbag.  He can’t hear me so I have to lean over and yell in his ear, “You are a scumbag.”  He seems confused by this, as if he didn’t already know, so I explain to him why he is a scumbag.  He gets mad and starts shoving me along with his meathead friends.  Before I can do much more besides stumble around like an idiot a burly Mexican security guard grabs me and drags me out of the crowd.  He tells me I have to leave and to get the fuck out and then walks back into the crowd.  I contemplate just staying, but decide against it because this band really is awful and I’m kind of tired.

I spend the next thirty of forty minutes wandering around a parking lot, that was a grass field yesterday, furiously clicking my door unlock thinger to try and see the lights from my car.  While doing this I walk past another girl doing this at least three times.  She’s short and cute and has big boobs.  When I walk past her again I ask her for a cigarette, she gives me one and I light it up then stand there looking at her like an idiot.  I make some remark about how it sucks trying to find a car like this.  She smiles.  I say goodbye and walk away.  I spend the rest of the time hoping maybe I’ll run into her again but I never do.

I finally find my car on the other side of the parking lot.  I pull a blanket out of the back and fall asleep in the back seat.  I wake up later when my partner returns to my car, she asks me if I’m okay to drive, I tell her that I am even though I’m not. 

I make them listen to G UNIT radio the entire way back as punishment.